How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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