a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
