i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
