you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
