I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
