Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
