I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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