I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
