My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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