i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we're making bets on your personal life
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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