im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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