I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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