One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
