Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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