fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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