Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
