who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
