Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
