How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I stole a fireplace last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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