I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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