Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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