I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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