I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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