You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
