Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
God, I missed his penis.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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