She is in my trunk
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
