Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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