Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
