Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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