i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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