I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
