I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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