I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
