Kiss
Puke
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
