I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
