He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
