the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
