You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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