ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
