Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
