Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
