hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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