I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
