end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
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About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.