Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(