Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe