margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
