Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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