6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
