True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
