just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
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One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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