How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
