keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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