i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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