I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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