we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
