The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This house was built for laser tag.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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