my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
