Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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