I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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